Trendsetters
I’ve found a trend in the men I fuck – they all reek of unfamiliar scents, each a shrine to cringing nostrils. Those tiny hairs begging for just
One.
Clean.
Breath.
But my logic is blinded by love, or lust mistaken for love, or maybe I’m thinking with a skewed perception of love; of fairy tales fed by an animated stranger called Disney. Or maybe I’m just thinking with my clit.
I ignore my senses, smothering them as I bury my face in his shirt, hoping. Hoping that my ingestion of today’s choice of toxin can amount to a fair exchange for a hand tangled with mine, or a heavy breath as he raids my body or maybe, just maybe, that thump, thump, thump that thrashes against his ribcage, the rhythm I search for when I glue my head to his chest.
God, they fucking reek.
Number one of white powder and burnt spoons.
Number two of energy drinks and sweat.
Number three of menthol and insomnia.
I’ve found a trend in the men I fuck – their bodies a canvas for scars. My hands dance across their skin, fingers like magnets to tiny dark hills in their flesh. My nails slide beneath their wounds, digging through layers of skin like a termite picks through bark. I yearn for that familiar warmth – that crimson pool forms then quickly wiped away, suffocating his pores. I can’t tell if I find more comfort in his bruises or blood.
Their skin is stained.
Number one with the kiss of a syringe.
Number two etched with the remnants of youth’s razor blades.
Number three scabbed by tobacco’s ember.
I’ve found a trend in the men I fuck – they’re shattered, but I don’t want to fix them. When they mask their wounds I panic, ripping at their progress like a day old Band-Aid. I fear their intent to heal. I want to embrace their pieces; to rub their shards with bare hands and combine them with mine for if they’re cured, where does that leave me?
Point blank – we are some fucked up kids.
Number two once said I “wear emotional baggage like it weighs tons.”
Number one is that emotional baggage and for today, I think I want to share it with Number three.
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